in our friends (in our lovers) we trust
by renee walker
Summary: nicky shows erik his journals. they hold on to each other. / for Poke.


"In God we ask forgiveness," Nicky whispered into the curve of Erik's throat. He was shaking, hands unsteady, and swaying unstably on his feet. "I," he began, then stopped. He muttered a prayer under his breath. Bible verses that had been drilled into him began to gather on his tongue.

Erik stopped him before it got too far. "Hey," he said, tapping the side of Nicky's head. "Nicky. _Nicky._ It's okay."

"I," Nicky said, then stopped. His German was still a bit halting when he was flustered, even after months of living in Germany with his host family. With his host family and _Erik._ "I know," he tried, testing the words on his tongue. They didn't sound sure, but they were there, put tentatively out in the open.

Erik kissed the top of his head. It always amazed Nicky that despite how strong and tough Erik looked - tall, broad-shouldered, six-pack abs, bulging biceps - he was so _gentle_. His calloused palms were steady, holding Nicky by his waist. He was strong and warm to lean on. His bright blue eyes were soft and concerned.

Nicky was so in love with him.

"You don't have to show me your journals," Erik told him. "Not if you're not ready."

Nicky closed his eyes and gulped air. He pressed his face into the crook of Erik's neck. Clenched his hands in his shirt. He could feel the muscle hidden beneath as he breathed in the smell of faint cologne and wind that was Erik.

The journals were something Nicky had started writing in during his time at his conversion camp. _Pray the gay away_ , he remembered, then felt sick. He remembered writing everything he could down - his feelings, his experience, how wrong it had all felt. His time there had taken up the majority of a journal. Once at home, he hid his journals underneath his mattress, in the corner of the bed shoved up against the wall and switched to writing in poorly-phrased German as soon as possible.

Nicky had finished his third journal shortly after coming to Germany, and had begun a new one. His hands shook as he untangled myself from Erik, went over to his bed, and grabbed the first journal. It was one of those shitty spiral notebooks. It had been an old, unused notebook or something, Nicky remembered, before he repurposed it.

Without looking Erik in the eye, he pressed it into his hands. "Just," he sighed, then swallowed thickly. His hands curled around the edges of the journal. "Just read it."

That night, Erik's heart grew heavy as he read. That night, Nicky broke quietly. They both cried.

"You're a hero," Erik told Nicky. Praise and admiration gathered in Erik's palms and left smooth trails on Nicky's skin where Erik's hands touched. "You're a hero, you're amazing, I love you."

Nicky said, "I love you too," in German, which was the easiet thing he could get out at the moment. "I don't want to leave," he said, in a way that he had said _forgive me, Father, for I have sinned_ when his parents and the people at his church had condemned him.

"Don't," Erik suggested. "Stay. Please." It wasn't only because he didn't want Nicky going back to his terrible parents. It was also because Erik couldn't imagine life without Nicky anymore, and he didn't want to have to live life without Nicky. He wanted Nicky safe, beside him, with him. He wanted a lifetime with this beautiful boy. A lifetime of laughing eyes, that gorgeous smile, the easy romance and vibrant personality.

"I," Nicky said. He paused, choked, like he had seven hours ago when he was gathering his courage.

"There's the Catholic church down the street," Erik said. "Where they view religion differently. Lisa goes there."

"Isn't she bisexual?"

Erik smiled. "Yes. Almost everyone there accepts her." They both could hear Lisa's voice saying _God loves us all, regardless of sexuality_ , the way she'd said it at the club they'd snuck into a few weeks ago.

"Please," Erik said, "stay," because, in the end, it was Nicky's choice.

Erik wanted him to be happy as much as Nicky wanted Erik to be happy.

Nicky cupped Erik's face, his other hand slotting itself on Erik's hip. He could feel the hard v of his hipbone, and the bone of his slanted cheekbones. Tearfully smiling, Nicky leaned in and kissed him softly.

"Yes," he murmured against his boyfriend's lips. "I love you. I want to be here, and I want to be here with you." It was almost nonsense German, and Erik kissed him back, slow and sweet.

"Ich liebe dich auch," Erik replied.

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the _All for the Game_ series or the characters. That right goes to the talented Nora Sakavic.**


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